16 Jan Watching Michael
I am watching a video of my brother Michael give the eulogy at our Father’s memorial service. It is from the summer of 2008. I have had this video for about eight months; this is only the second time I have been able to watch it. Michael B. Rahl transcended the limits of his physical body on January 19th 2018. He was 55. My first thought, seeing this clip with my time-softened vision, is how beautiful he was, my baby brother: articulate, thoughtful, smart, funny, strong, charming, and easy to love. This is the side of Michael I want to remember. This is an example of his healthy self embodying alignment with his better Angels.
This past year has been an emotional roller coaster, reflecting on the loss of him in my life, the many renditions of the Michael I knew. It is a kaleidoscope of feelings that surround the us that we were as a family, the way he chose to live, and the way he chose to die. It has taken me almost a year to allow my heart to soften around him, to release the darkness I have felt, and allow myself space to grieve and heal. It is a process. Heartbreak has very slowly become heart-opening and softening, the Universe can be generous that way, it grants mercy and healing from unexpected places.
Michael was the first one in our family to get sober, to make the free will decision to face the “demons” to which he refers, of alcoholism and drug addiction. This “ism” belonged to all of the members of my immediate family. It was his initial act of getting sober almost three decades ago, that showed me it was possible to be more than your environment, genetics, or your personal history. He taught me it was good to be different. His sobriety inspired my own. From him I learned the value of standing apart from the enculturation of normalcy surrounding addiction. Getting sober is a courageous and monumental achievement. Making sobriety nonnegotiable is the longer journey.
Alcoholism and Addiction have been defined as chronic and incurable diseases. If I let that definition be the final word it doesn’t allow hope for a positive prognosis. In America death from overdose was the leading cause of death among those under 50 in 2017. When someone you love struggles for years or decades with this disease, part of you longs for their release from suffering, even if that means you may never see them again. When a recovering addict or alcoholic becomes active again in their disease with no honest desire to stop using, there is nothing you can do to stop them short of lock down. But man-made chains and walls are temporary—they are not a cure or a healing.
For many it is incomprehensible why someone like Michael with more than 27 years of sobriety would decide to use again, ultimately with fatal consequences. It doesn’t make sense, unless you understand what loss of conscious contact with God feels like to someone who has had a healthy relationship with Spirit. This is not problematic for an atheist, because you can’t miss what you never had, or never believed in. Even the agnostic has an escape route here: doubt in the existence of God allows the seeker to be noncommittal in a relationship with Spirit. Relationships are proportional. The quality of our relationships are based on the quality of mutual investment in the other. This is true for relationships with people or our relationship with Spirit.
A schism or soul sickness develops in the Self of one who has previously experienced conscious oneness, and is afterwards unable or unwilling to do the footwork to regain that sense of spiritual union. It is a type of break in the psyche, and it feels like you are being torn in two, you can’t get your bearings, or find your way home. You become a good actor, going through the motions of your daily life so hopefully no one else will figure out just how crazy you really feel. The ego begins to reach out for external human solutions, for an internal spiritual problem. For those with addictive tendencies, these solutions are found in the form of self-medication, such as the use of alcohol, drugs, sex and food, etc… to fill the void of being spiritually unmoored.
The Spiritual solution to loss of conscious contact with Spirit begins with showing up in prayer time and meditation. The footwork is: pray and move your feet, stay grateful, take responsibility for your life, do forgiveness work, help others, be honest, act with integrity, ask for help, release anyone or anything in your life that does not feed the health of your Soul, become friends with like-minded people. It can be hard in the beginning if you’re not use to being honest with yourself or others. It will be lonely at first, and then eventually you will change, and so will your circle. If you stick with it, life can be amazing. You will meet beautiful people. This doesn’t mean you will never have times of challenges, loss, or deep grief and tragedy—all of the human drama of being in a body. It does mean that you never have to go through it alone. Spirit never left you. You were just tuned into someone else’s channel. Choose again, aim higher.
I believe in the power of group consciousness. For every person who watches this video of Michael speaking from his heart, it creates a picture of my brother, a prayer going out into the Cosmos that says YES to beauty, love and the power of conscious human beings. It is what we can do when we are available to know and share the best of ourselves. I am not avoiding the truth or the “how” of Michaels death but rather affirming the best of his life. This is what humans can be when we show up in life as a higher version of ourselves, when we allow our light to prevail over the dark, and courage is valued more than pretending to be something we are not. Authenticity is priceless.
So here I am in the now, JoAnn in today, by virtue of thousands of acts of Grace, deserved and undeserved, gifts received in my own daily spiritual reprieve, having stayed sober for more than 24 years. We will see how I fare with this journey of sobriety. Earlier I used the word kaleidoscope to describe my feelings surrounding Michael and our relationship, I didn’t really know why I was given that word, but on my path I have learned to trust Spirit, and after reading this definition in reflection I now understand.
“Kaleidoscope- an optical instrument with two or more reflecting surfaces. The reflectors or mirrors are usually enclosed in a tube, often containing on one end a cell with loose, colored pieces of glass to be reflected into the viewed pattern. Rotation of the cell causes motion of the materials, resulting in an ever-changing view being presented.” Wikipedia
Michael was a reflecting surface to me, a mirror, as I was to him, reflecting the shallows and the depths of our lives, sometimes beautiful patterns that are spectacular to behold, sometimes razor-sharp shards of colored glass that cut away people whom we love or beliefs and patterns that no longer serve. I am, he is, we are, double-edged swords, paradoxically beautiful and fierce all at once.
I started this writing wanting to solidify the love, the good that I knew in Michael, remembering only the best of him. That is what I wanted you to know of him. After feeling so much judgement and disappointment I wanted the pendulum to swing to the other side. But real love is not exclusionary. A place of balance would be to love the all of him. As I learn to embrace the whole of him, my heart keeps expanding. As I learn to love the all of him, I can better love the all of me and you too. Death is powerless to prevent healing in relationships. Once again the Coyote trickster is enjoying the game of softening my personality and Soul. The good news is I am beginning to enjoy it too.
Forever grateful, and always loving you, my Michael Rahl.
JoAnn Rahl
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